Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Other people's shoes.

There have been recurring instances wherein I always let go of a sigh and wished I was in a different place, different time, a different person.

I thank God that I am contented and for the fact that he will be the one that will forever care and love unconditionally. I will always be thankful for what I had and having right now but there are always "what-ifs" and "how i wish..." every once in a while.

"I just want to dissolve in the wind so I can let go of everything and just be breathe."

I really wish I was enough.

Being the eldest among three siblings, being the obedient daughter, an accomplished student, a decently good person at heart-- there is this constant feeling that I am not enough and it seems like I will never be to a lot of people. I am grateful for all the support that the parents have given me, even though the support was out of there was no other choice but to do so. There's this crippling pressure stabbed at my back that, a weight that will drag me to my pits, that I am responsible for a lot of things, I should do this or that, they are expecting me to be this or choose to do this and that -- it's a bitter pill to swallow, also knowing that it doesn't include myself and what I actually want.

I learned the hard way that the people you love the most will be the one that will hurt you the most.
It all started from the family then from a loved one. It's the crushing pain in the heart that was most unbearable. And the fight against loneliness during those times. I always feel alone at those times. I know God is there and I talk to him and ask for help but when you what you need is some love, strength and support to suffice or fill the emptiness, there was no one to run to. Just the bed and the pillow to cry on. If they just can, how I wish they can cry too so you'll know that they feel the same pain you're into and you are not alone on it.

People outside always think I have this perfect life and this sunshine-y personality of me.
...if only they know how I wake up in the middle of the night and cry. 

There's a lot of pain in me that I'd like to let go of.
...and forget. and heal.

Sometimes, it hurts so much.
...I wish to feel nothing at all. Not even a bit.

One day I'll wake up and be enough.
...I wish. I've been doing everything and the best I can but I will always turn out to be wrong again and always the antagonist. I'm not even trying to be one.

I really do care a lot.
...maybe I can try to I should care less. It will break me more, but whatever choice I make, I always end up broken.

Sometimes, I wish I can be in other people's shoes. 
...and know how it feels to be away from mine. How it feels to be in a shoes of someone who's lovingly taken care of. How it feels to be in a pressure-less, carefree, worry-free shoes. How it feels to be in the shoes where I'd really want to be. I wish for red (or yellow) happy shoes.


  1. first off.... *hug* there's so much I'd want to tell you, but since this just a comment, I'll try my best to say it as quickly as I can.

    You say you wish you were enough. but you are more than enough, honeybun! right now!

    You are one of the most amazing, awesome, and brilliant people you will ever get to know. "Being the eldest among three siblings, being the obedient daughter, an accomplished student, a decently good person at heart"... and someone with a keen eye for perspective, color and treatment. What's not to love? You're just in the process of getting to know yourself better, and being comfortable in your own skin. :)

    At first I was thinking of saying "you've got a long way to go", but I decided against it. Instead I shall say you are en route to the greatest, most bewildering and enthralling adventure you will ever have in your life. Heck, you've already traveled a few steps into it, and you have no idea.

    As for pain, as for sorrow... pain will always be there. It's part of life, and when you think about it, pain is a good thing. It lets you know you're still alive and breathing.

    I'm not sure what you're going through, and you're right, I have absolutely no idea. But I do know that you're a wonderful person who is loved immensely and is one of the most beautiful and accomplished successors of a long line of winners, and that you will do the Universe proud.

    Cheer up. You're lovely. ;)

  2. Thank you for those wonderful words. :) Sincerely. I don't even know what to say, especially getting those words from someone I haven't even met yet, or know personally even.

    THANK YOU. Those are the most comforting words.
    One less broken soul was enlightened a little.

    I hope this will be enough to sum things up..

  3. You're not broken, baby. Just... getting there. and wow, "there" is totally going to totally blow your mind. ;)

  4. being with you for sometime made me realize certain things. you write good but i think that giving yourself an under rated piece isn't nice. you are one of the most amazing, pure and best person i have now and it hurts to see you write not so good things about yourself. first off, Being the eldest among three siblings, being the obedient daughter, an accomplished student, a decently good person at heart are a heck of a job. i know because i'm almost in the same point as yours except that im like 90% done with schooling. you just feel that you're not enough but you're not. trust me. you aren't. now, you want to put yourself on other's shoes. have a taste of how happy it is to be in one's. then what after? i suggest that you polish your own shoes. by then, you dont have to try someone else's right? to me you are perfect. to me your all that i need. i'd say more than what we all need. and we're thankful!i really hope you do good and be healed. im just here. i love you. *hug*

  5. On shoes:

    Here's the thing - you can always choose to step out of your shoes and move into another pair. True, old shoes are so comfortable to be in. But what if you're not happy with them any more? What if the holes in them bring in more cold and hurt than comfort? It pains to part with them but you know you'd end up warmer with a new pair of shoes.

    In the end, it's your choice.

    On being enough:

    Fact: We will NEVER be enough. For the boss, for the parent, for the boyfriend, for the world. But this innate shortcomings make life more interesting for it forces us to grow and be better people. Again, it's a choice - take the moment to shine or just curl up in your hole and hide.

    I can actually go on and on about life being a succession of choices but I'll cut it short and end with a trio of the more important ones: choosing to accept yourself for what you are, choosing to do something positive about whatever perceived shortcomings, true or not, you have and choosing to be happy. always take care you.

  6. dear anonymous,

    it is hard to say to not write something not nice about myself when the people around you makes you feel that way. i am only one, what do i have against a few people putting down that weight on me. it's always been a grueling state, lalo na pag yung taong/ mga taong pwede mong masandalan/ sasandalan are one of those people. I sometimes envy you because you are having things way too well on your part and it's a little painful seeing where i sometimes want to be, but you're just taking it too easy or sometimes even screwing it. How I want to be sometimes in your place, but I was rightfully placed where I am now for reasons only HE knows well. You can't say that you're in the same boat as mine, maybe in some but not entirely, so its pretty hard for me to justify to you how everything feels, how everything works in my life story. It's a lot more complicated than that. You might know me a little deeper than everybody else, because i trusted you with almost everything of me.

    I really do hope what you're telling me that i am enough is true, because at some point, you made me feel i was not enough too. then and there, i lost confidence in myself again -- just when i thought that i have a source of strength to gather myself again.

    "now, you want to put yourself on other's shoes. have a taste of how happy it is to be in one's. then what after?" you ask? then i can restart with myself again because i was never this person who was given the warning sign that things will happen, then i crash and burn.

    "i suggest that you polish your own shoes. by then, you dont have to try someone else's right?" -- no matter how you polish it, even in real life, due to exhaustion, it will always get torn or broken in some way. i wish polishing and fixing is that easy, tell me about your side of doing it.

    I wish everything was easy how you always say it is. When you say that, I do wish I was in your shoes because it never really came to me like that as easy. I'm sorry for this long reply, even close to the real post. I hope you understand because there's this too much in me that I don't even know what to do about because either the pain just added up and it's really hard.

    Thank you for everything, really. I appreciate the things you've said. And sometimes, a real conversation is better and a hug and an ear is a little step to making it better. Wishing you well.

  7. dear jonette,

    I'll totally get ready when that big bang is coming. :) I definitely should.

  8. dear arc,

    I'd pass my comment for tonight on your thoughts because i'm tired already. i'll do it tomorrow. thank you for your words.


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